“Reform School”: Eight Lessons for Building Well-Behaved Kids

Parenting Advice, Character Education, Teacher Resources, Moral Development and Behavior Strategies to Educate Children's Hearts and Souls

No More Misbehavin'
38 Difficult Behaviors and How to Stop Them
Dr. Michele Borba, can offer insight and a wealth of practical tips for the following topics and more.
For a review copy of the book or an interview with the author contact Anne Leedom, Net Connect Publicity, at 916.939.8246 or anne@netconnectpublicity.com

For Immediate Release

“Reform School”: Eight Lessons for Building Well-Behaved Kids
A new book by parenting expert Michele Borba is chock full of practical, proven remedies for your children’s most troublesome behaviors.

San Francisco, CA (February 2003)—Raising kids is not easy. You knew that when you became parents, but now that you’re faced with a willful youngster—not to mention a marriage and two demanding careers—it’s really sinking in. You both worry about the negative behaviors your child is exhibiting: anger . . . defiance . . . whining . . . selfishness . . . rudeness. Problem is, you’re so overwhelmed and pressed for time that it just seems easier to let your child “get away” with his actions. And there are so many conflicting theories out there that, frankly, you don’t know how to discipline him.

If the above scenario hits a little too close to home, take heart. A new book by internationally renowned consultant and educator Michele Borba, Ed.D. provides a wealth of much-needed advice. No More Misbehavin’: 38 Difficult Behaviors and How To Stop Them (Jossey-Bass: A Wiley Imprint, April 2003, ISBN: 0-7879-6617-7, $14.95) explains precisely how to confront and change the behaviors that drive parents crazy. The book is packed with practical, easy-to-understand, proven techniques the author advocates based on years of research, teaching, working with parents and educators all over the world—as well as on her own personal experience.

“This book is not a simplistic, one-size-fits-all magic cure,” she says. “Parenting is much more complex than that. However, there are certain techniques that have been field-tested thousands of times—techniques that really work. They are the ones I’ve included in my book, with the intention that parents choose the ones that best fit their family. Anyone can successfully use these strategies, as long as they are committed to taking a pro-active, vigilant approach to parenting. If you have the desire, if your heart’s in the right place, No More Misbehavin’ can provide the tools.”

And a very well-organized “toolbox” it is! An entire chapter is devoted to each of the 38 “difficult behaviors,” which include fighting, biting, rudeness, talking back, selfishness, homework battles, and many more. Each chapter offers strategies that have been shown to improve its particular problem, a “Behavior Makeover Plan” to help you apply these guidelines to your unique situation, a “results” section with space to record your child’s progress, and a list of resources for further reading.

The following eight tips represent just a small sampling of the innovative ideas found in No More Misbehavin’:

When your child back talks, refuse to engage. Studies in child development reveal that kids are much more likely to stop talking back if they see it’s ineffective in getting attention. So stay neutral and don’t respond. Don’t sigh, shrug your shoulders or look exasperated. Also do not coax, bribe or scold; such tactics almost never work and will probably just escalate the behavior. Instead say something like “I don’t listen to sass. If you want to talk to me, talk respectfully. I’ll be in the other room.”

If your child bullies others, demand reparations. Require that she do something to ease her victim’s emotional pain and make amends for her behavior—for instance, sincerely apologize, repair or replace damaged property, pay for any financial damages, tell peers to befriend her.

If she is the one being bullied, teach and rehearse assertiveness. Here are a few tips you can use to help her practice:

Stay calm and do not react. Pretend you’re wearing a special bully-proof vest that bounces his taunts off you so you don’t look afraid.

Don’t look like a victim. Stand tall and hold your head up to appear more confident and less vulnerable.

Say no firmly. If you talk to a bully, use a firm, strong voice (never a whiny, wimpy or afraid one). Say no to his demands, or tell him you do not like what he is doing and will not put up with it. Repeat yourself until you can walk to an adult who can help.

When your child fails to do assigned chores, set a consequence. If he is paid for chores, withhold his allowance. Or give him an “extra” chore he must complete in addition to the previously assigned one before he can watch TV, play video games or use the phone. Whatever you decide to do, be consistent with your policy.

Does your child have trouble controlling anger? Try the following anger management skills:

Tear anger away. Tell your child to draw or write what is upsetting him on a piece of paper, then tear it into little pieces and “throw the anger away.” He can also use the concept by imagining that his anger is slowly leaving him in little pieces.

Teach “1 + 3 + 10.” Explain the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you’re losing control, do three things. First, stop and say: ‘Be calm.’ That’s 1. Now take three deep, slow breaths from your tummy. That’s 3. Finally, count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together and you have 1 + 3 + 10, and that helps you calm down and get back in control.

Many children are hooked on rewards, expecting gold stars, stickers or money for a job well done. It is your job as a parent to help your kid reinforce his own behavior rather than relying on someone else to acknowledge his actions. Obviously, you need to take a firm stand against unnecessary incentives. Another, more subtle, solution is to switch your pronouns from I to you. For example:
I statement: “I’m really proud of how hard you worked today.”
You statement: 'You must be really proud of how hard you worked today.”
This switch takes the emphasis off your approval and puts more on the child’s acknowledging her appropriate actions. It also helps kids begin to regulate their own actions.

If your child gives up easily, set an example by modeling perseverance. Show your kids how you don’t give up on a task even when things get difficult. For instance, paying the bills can be a great lesson if you announce to your kids: “I have a lot of bills to do tonight. I’m going to sit here until they’re done.” Modeling the trait is always the number one teaching method, so consciously tune up perseverance in your behavior.

To help your kids resist negative peer pressure, teach them six strategies they can easily remember by using the acronym ASSERT:
A – Assert yourself with physical confidence. Teach your kid to stand up for his beliefs and not back down by using confident posture: stand tall with feet slightly apart, head high, and look the person straight in the eye.
S – Say no firmly. Stress that your kid must say no to the person using a friendly but firm and determined voice and then not give in.
S – Say goodbye and leave. Sometimes the best option is to walk away. Set up a policy with your kid that whenever he feels unsafe in a situation he should phone, and you agree to pick him up, no questions asked.
E – Give a reasonable excuse. For example: “I told Dad I’d be home.” “I promised my friend I’d come by.” “My Mom would ground me for life if I did that!”
R – Repeat your decision. Tell your child sometimes it’s helpful to repeat his decision several times. It makes him sound assertive and helps him not back down.
T – Tell reasons. Encourage your kid to give the person the reason he’s saying no: “It’s illegal,” “I’ll be grounded,” or “I could get hurt.”

To curb selfishness in your child, ask often “How does the other person feel?” As occasions arise, pose the question often, using situations in books, news, TV and movies, as well as real life. “The tornado destroyed most of the town in Georgia. How do you think the people feel?” “Daddy’s mom is so sick. How do you think Daddy feels?” Each question forces your kid to think about other people’s concerns besides his own and moves him another step from self-centeredness.

Needless to say, the simplicity of these tips doesn’t imply that they’re “easy” to implement. As Borba points out, fighting bad behaviors is one of the most difficult struggles of raising children—but it’s part and parcel of the journey.

“The path is guaranteed to be rocky and at times may become quite arduous, but that’s what parenting is all about,” she writes in her conclusion. “It may well be your most challenging role and is by far your most important. One of the most critical roles in our lives is to help our children become happy, self-reliant, well behaved, and decent human beings. There is no reward more fulfilling than knowing you have made an enduring difference in your child’s life. In fact, it’s our ultimate reward.”

# # #

About The Author:

Michele Borba, Ed.D., has worked with more than 750,000 parents and teachers over more than two decades. A dynamic and highly sought-after speaker, she has presented hundreds of keynote addresses and workshops throughout North America, Europe, Asia, and the South Pacific on enhancing children’s character development, self-esteem, achievement, and behavior. Her down-to-earth speaking style, inspirational stories, and practical strategies appeal to audiences worldwide.

Borba is the author of eighteen books for parents and educators, including Building Moral Intelligence, selected by Amazon.com as “one of the top ten parenting books of the year,” and cited by Publisher’s Weekly as “one of the most noteworthy of 2001”; Parents Do Make a Difference, selected by Child Magazine as an “outstanding parenting book of 1999”; and Esteem Builders, used by over 1.5 million students worldwide.

Borba appears as a frequent guest expert on television and National Public Radio talk shows, including The View, Fox & Friends, The Parent Table, and The Jenny Jones Show, and has been interviewed in numerous publications, including Newsweek, Parents, Redbook, First for Women, Family Life, Working Mother, the Chicago Tribune, the Los Angeles Times, and the New York Daily News, and serves as a columnist for Oxygen Media and as honorary advisory board member for Parents magazine. Her numerous awards include the National Educator Award, presented by the National Council of Self-Esteem.

Borba and her husband were partners in a private practice for troubled children and adolescents in Campbell, California. She received her doctorate in educational psychology and counseling from the University of San Francisco, her M.A. in learning disabilities, and her B.A. from the University of Santa Clara.

To contact Borba regarding her work or her media availability, or to schedule a keynote or workshop for your organization, go to www.MicheleBorba.com or www.moralintelligence.com. Her work can also be reviewed at www.parentingbookmark.com.